I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I need to calm my uterus...
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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