When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
