That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
