dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
