I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Randomize
