I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
