just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
