Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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