just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
