I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
