By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
