you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
