woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
