i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
