the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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