my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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