put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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