I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
it glows. i had to have it.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
