He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
