my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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