they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
