An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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