i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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