Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
