I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just found a bag of teeth...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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