I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
