I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I will pee on everything he values.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
