next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
