I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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