I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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