i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
