hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
