I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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