That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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