let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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