yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
