Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
