I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dicks are not precious.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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