Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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