My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
