life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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