her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
