if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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