hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
