my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
worst night to have a conscience
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
