I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
