I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
