I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
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I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
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Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.