sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
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Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
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It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.