my phone needs a breathalizer
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
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