I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
