I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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