If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
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