it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
FUCK WHALES
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
