There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
