You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
