something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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