exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
