Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
