he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
