Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
