I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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